Mike Gapes has, on the first day of the year, magnanimously commuted the sentences of subversives and so-called "human rights activists" by 1 year. Only 999 years left for them to serve.

EXCLUSIVE: An online test has confirmed that Mike Gapes has a Perfect IQ of 100

Mike Gapes has personally condemned Sam Gould, and stated that he had repeatedly told Mr Gould to stop masturbating in playgrounds over the years.

Mike Gapes MP has allayed fears of a recession by appearing upon the speech balcony at the top of Cownadu and making a speech. This was not announced previously, and he did not use a mic, but I've been assured everyone heard it and was inspired.

Ilford's second largest landlord Jas Athwal MP is being criticised again, this time tenants are claiming his properties have serious plumbing problems that Mr Athwal refuses to fix. We have reaching out to Mr Athwal for comment.

This year to celebrate VG day, curfew will be extended by one hour to 7pm

Please refrain from thanking the Ilford Enquirer AI chatbot. Also please stop engaging with it purely for raceplay and ageplay fantasies. That is not what it is there for.

Due to his antiSemitic remarks, Bob Dylan will no longer be headlining the Johnny Polio Memorial Festival. We'd like to thank Pitbull for stepping in at the last minute to provide a new (and better) headline act.

We are aware of the intern who ate some watermelon as part of his fruit salad. Rest assured we have fired him and referred him to PREVENT. The Ilford Enquirer takes a zero-tolerance approach to anti-semitism.

Here at the Ilford Enquirer we can still access all websites thanks to the software Richard Miller installed on all our computers years ago. If I recall he called it a "self-replicating virus that eventually become alive" but all I know is I can still watch porn in my office.

I'm just hearing word that the Ilford Enquirer Sketch Writer, Bart Spinner, has been found dead in his home with his family. This is truly a tragic event, please donate.

As editor of the Ilford Enquirer, I take my role — and the responsibility that comes with it — seriously. Every article, headline, and editorial decision is mine. I do not use ChatGPT or any AI to do my work.

For the last time our "Charlie Kirk" tribute issue was about the murdered American politician and not the notorious Ilford zoophile from the 80s