I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!

"I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

I've always wanted to get into archery. But it has too many drawbacks.

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.

Can someone please buy Chris Rea a SatNav for Christmas, he's been driving home for Christmas since 1986.

My mother just called me a son of bitch, so I slapped the shit out of her cause nobody talks about my mother, then I hit myself cause nobody hits my mother, then my mother hit me cause nobody hits me.

I got the world jacuzzi and 'Yakuza' confused. Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Glad to see Mary on keyboards and Joseph on vocals for a change!

The man who invented predictive text has died. His funfairs next monkey. May he rust in piss.

I rear-ended a car this morning... The start of a really bad day. The driver got out of the other car and he was a dwarf! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!" I replied, "well which one ARE you then?" That's how the fight started.

A German girl took me back to her apartment We started making out, slowly moving to the bed. I took her clothes off and she took mine. I started thrusting her and she screamed "Noch! Noch!". It killed the mood when her brother Hans asked "Who's there? " from the other room.

I deleted all the German people I know from my phone Now it’s Hans-Free

Mario and Peach.... The later years. Less Mario world.. more Poundland.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

Woman: Doc, my husband wants intense sex all day, every day, i just cant cope. What can i give him? Doctor: My number.

Harry: I need a new invisibility cloak. Hermione: Try this one on. Harry: I don't like it. Hermione: Why? Harry: I just don't see myself in it.

Paddy bought a new sleeping bag. Paddy spent the following 3 hours trying to wake it up!

I have always been good at saving money, ever since I was little my dad told me to put my money in a special money box under the stairs. I was 16 before I realised it was the f*cking electric meter!