I'm glad I'm at the point in my comedy career I don't have to worry about anyone creating a deep fake anything with my image. #careergoals

men go after women who don’t dress modestly (whatever the reason, including it being their literal job) and then try to force them to change instead of dating modest women to begin with because they want to control and submission. an already modest woman doesn’t provide that.

IYKYK I don't know who made this, but gawt damn....🤣😕🤣

How many Barbie and Ken costumes will we see at Halloween? I'm guessing every 6 outta 10 party guests will be Barbie themed. #barbie #halloween

Second time doing good mornings at the gym, and I'm still waiting to have a good morning.

MAJOR LIFE UPDATE - for the remainder of the strike Stephen Colbert, @JimmyFallon, @SethMeyers, @IamJohnOliver & I are joining forces for a new podcast called Strike Force Five. Hear the first episode tomorrow 8/30. ALL proceeds (thanks to Casamigos and @MintMobile) go to support

If the Johnsonville cheddar smoked sausages ain't slightly burnt and busted open with the cheese oozing out on the grill, they're trash. Might as well eat them raw. #norawdogginonthegrill

Insults we need to bring back: "Eat my shorts." Calling someone a "bozo" Calling someone a "scumbag" Only bozos and scumbags would disagree. They can eat my shorts.

X has become the social media version of a perpetual boring party where I check out the charcuterie board and then leave after 15 minutes.

The number of idiots in banking, real estate, and insurance is astounding. However, the government (state, local, fed) always wins for most idiots who can't do their job. Most of them are also in banking, real estate, and insurance. 🧐

Yes, ban an activity that reminds children how to use an adverb.

Brown Peanut M & M

Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and enjoy a clean Earth with no pollution. Then I remember I would die from the black plague or be killed in a war. I guess I'll take my chances with micro plastics in my blood and nuclear fallout. I'm so glad times have changed.

My sleep pattern is so messed up from the time change. Even my sleep paralysis demon has no idea when he needs to show up for his shift. Could be 7pm. Could be 2am. #sleeping

I keep a Swiss Army knife, pepper spray, and a protein bar in my purse. Now, I feel silly for being so practical. Guess I'll add an emergency whoopee cushion just to be safe.

Internet Nutritionist: "You can still eat carbs." Me: *eats 1 carbs* *promptly feels like shit and needs a nap* "Nope."

Wait, facebook had fact-checkers? Because they weren't exactly crushing it.

We're almost a month into 2025 and no one has matched my nasty OR freak. Granted my nasty has polka dots and my freak is plaid. So they're both hard to match.

Reminder that the Epstein Files are supposed to be released on Friday and every political development that you see between now until then should be viewed with that in mind.