if Daft Punk doesn't reunite for the closing ceremony I swear to god

I forgot that the Olympics host country automatically qualifies for events. I love it. All these elite synchronized diving pairs and then it's like 2 French dudes doing some cannonballs.

All these Zoom calls to organize for Kamala Harris are getting way too specific. I was just on "White Guys Who Are 38 But Still Call It Mid-30s And Recently Got Over an Eye Infection They Think They Got At Planet Fitness for Harris". Just me and some dude named Craig. Raised $17.

Banjo update: 1.8 lbs, first vaccines done, baby teeth all grown in, masterfully hunting down evil shoelaces

I'd still be like, trying to get onto the balance beam

I've had to pee for like 2 hours

see i would've cleared that pole vault no problem

ah well, nevertheless

If the all the Paris Olympic medals have a piece of the Eiffel Tower, the LA medals should absolutely have a piece of the Randy's Donuts sign.

you guys have gotta stop retweeting pictures of mr beast's sleepy sociopath eyes, i'll have nightmares

Alf yawn. Carry on.

Move over Barbenheimer, this Christmas we're doing Mufasferatu

It's been a solid 5 years since I've known what anyone was talking about

See the reason I'm not a political advisor is I'd be backstage talking Kamala into wearing a comically large ear bandage

they did this random lady so dirty 😭

Oh wow okay awkward wow

Kamala Harris put together a whole presidential campaign in the last 4 weeks and I like, still haven't cleaned my microwave

My man, people applying to be manager of a McDonalds won't even put McDonalds on their resumé.