At this point I'm pretty sure if I didn't worry about everything I'd poof out of existence like Tinkerbell in the absence of applause.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I would rather be ugly on the inside.

What a fun show The Envy Corps with a string section playing Dwell. I feel like I'm back home.

I've been to the doctor twice this year and not once did she hit my knee with that little rubber mallet thing.

If you get Potato Oles and there's not one or two in the bottom of the bag you're actually entitled to a full refund.

This is worth 7.5% of your daily tweets if you're unverified like me.

I feel like there's probably someone at netflix behind a console watching me start the same show for the third time shaking their head and thinking to themselves "He's not going to make it this time either."

It's my 15 year Veganniversary today and to celebrate I'm making the first vegan dish I fell in love with from my first vegan cookbook Isa Chandra Terry Hope Romero

Be sure and tell em Large Marge sent ya.

I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid and I went ahead anyway.

People won't tell you this but you can pretty confidently say "Happy Belated Birthday" to anyone at any time.

I drink two Gatorades and I'm worried that I might have too many electrolytes now

Whenever I'm at a concert and the band tells the crowd to make some noise I remain absolutely silent because I'm paying THEM to make noise not the other way around!

I'm revolting against morning people!

We will never beat climate change until Madagascar becomes Madelectriccar.

Is it weird to anyone else that rule 5 of Fight Club is the same rule you have to follow at a gas station to get a burrito.

When you sit down to prepare for something and end up on a Ben 10 wiki

Does anyone else worry that the race for the coldest beer in town will lead to a sort of Vannagut Ice-Nine situation?

Someone in my D&D game called Necrotic damage Neurotic damage and I can't stop thinking about it.

No one ever asks why in the world is Carmen Sandiago.