i cry when i chop onions because they never hurt anybody

i feel like mario has more raw prowess but luigi is probably the more sensual lover

being a king is all about taking one bite of a big ham and and throwing it over your shoulder

when i was little i did a prank call on a pizza place, i said “hi can i have a lightbulb pizza” then squealed with glee and immediately hung up, man i got them good

they’re putting me on the new 1/100th of a cent coin

steam won’t even give me a free silent hill f key even tho i’m a bug

i'm probably way past my life expectancy but fortunately i can't do math

if i was human for a day i would invent a device to turn myself back into a junebug

playing an epic prank on my hardworking father by wasting my entire life

Tip: Smiling can be used to charm your foe. [PRESS SPACE TO RESPAWN]

just bought my first home 💚 can’t wait to move in!

guy caught me in a pokeball and i had to explain that i don’t have any cool abilities. also i feel like that should be illegal

hamburger help to the polls :)

you're getting married? kinda reddit bro

envisioning a billboard ad for a baby: dave “baby” johnson: a baby you can trust!

does anything know what going on

just gonna post stupid for a while hope that's alright

can i have uppies bro