did i just step on water or is there a hole in my sock

why let the chicken rest when i’m the one doing all the hard work?

Why are oldies on FaceBook so into their alternative punctuation ,

TO THE MICROPLASTICS DISBELIEVERS: McDonald’s is advertising 24pc chicken nuggets … what do you think the other 76% comprises???

our lips have touched the same glass rim (flies are gross)

humour alienation—the in-the-act realisation that, despite laughter feeling so natural and ~human~, its appeal is nevertheless eerily baffling

22nd zipper fly check of the day

shall i use ominous undertones in my short story? or ominous overtones hmm…

Father Christmas came early

hitting the nail on the head is not some great achievement

i REFUSE to internalise your four-note advertising jingle

like a guardian angel off duty, I experience deep angst at the thought of jaywalkers around the world narrowly escaping death without my supervision

only having one egg so that carton parity returns to even

no stone unturned (i eat all my KFC cartilage)

monthly iPhone reminders to pluck that solitary back hair

anyone have unwanted/spare chickpeas? need to hone my can-opening technique

false pubes for warmth

pre-chopped minced meat

the auditory cough–sneeze continuum

TIL “enigmatic” doesn’t mean charming or charismatic