i’ll be taking over Tig Notaro’s twitter account for the day tomorrow. really looking forward to ruining afternoons on a much larger scale.

Oops! I think you meant to say “you’re”. As in, “you’re an embarrassment to your gender”, or, “you’re garbage at being a fan”.

3 old ladies in this lobby are mad there’s no more water at Costco, bc earthquakes. One said, buy peanut butter! It won’t go bad! So i said, yes but it makes you very thirsty! And they all just stared at me. I wanted to say IT’S ME, OLD PREPARED JENNY, but i tweeted you instead.

ultimate fantasy: i see a woman i don’t know in a public restroom. we make eye contact; it’s electric. she walks toward me slowly & says, “hi. do you have a tampon?” and i say, “I DO” bc i’ve waited for this moment my entire life. that’s it. you know everything about me now.

two trick-or-treaters so far. i said, “grab as much candy as you want!” they were so excited, & then the mom said, “take one.” and it’s like, isn’t everything bad enough? the whole world is burning down in real time, man! listen up: IT’S ALL-THE-CANDY-O’CLOCK, vaya con dios, etc.

Happy March Quaranteenth! 🎉

happy anniversary, Robert. i waited a long time to find out who it was gonna be, and i can’t believe it’s you. the best one ever made. ❤️

this homework takes 20 minutes. you have 20 minutes today, i’d bet. blacklivesmatters.carrd.co

i just found out my husband has never washed his prescription eyeglasses with soap and water. never ever, not once in his life. i’m afraid to ask but uh...folks? please tell me you’re washing your glasses?

remember when you helped a grown-up bake when you were little, and they let you measure the baking powder so you could make a perfect teaspoon with the little built-in leveler every time? don’t be sad.

i wonder how many sexual assault survivors pretend to be ok in order to survive the rest of their lives instead of the two alternatives- speaking out or committing suicide? i’d reckon most.

what if one time a rapist actually admitted to being a rapist instead of calling their victim a liar LOLOLOLOLOL

gentle reminder for you today: the truth ages very well.

writer: so, we open on a married couple— Hollywood exec: does everything happen before or after they brush their teeth together? writer: after Hollywood exec: SOLD

aim for the moon! even if you miss, you'll run out of oxygen and burn to bits in the atmosphere and never have to come back!

the grass is always greener at the golf course. because those people are rich and we are poor and being rich is better.