They wrote those articles of Impeachment faster than you could write a $2000 check...wait... #ImpeachmentDay

Dr. Biden? More like Dr. BYE-DEN!

They say Trump isn’t relatable. Dude about to lose his job and get evicted in the same week. #ImpeachTrump

I just ate Chinese food out of the container like a white person in sitcoms. I don’t get the hype! #knowmsg

Alright, party is over. Let’s get to our first order of business #Inauguration2021 jenny slate

#NBATopShotThis yikeees wiseman will have a few moments from tonight’s game.

Wait... is QAnon just National Treasure for racists and conspiracy theorists?

What a weird time to be alive when you can’t tell if people are in line for vaccines or a PS5.

Is it safe to say “everything but the bagel” products have become a personality trait? Lookin at you Trader Joe's.

Excited to announce Rihanna will be on the next season of Umbrella Academy! More excited to know that they are changing the name of the show to: Umbrella-Ella-ella-eh Academy

when one door closes, another one opens. 500 retweets and we'll take care of our mans djjgl #QUITTHECLAW

Let’s get it fam. Also White Claw, your lemon flavor taste like LaCroix Water did a crossover collab with Pine-Sol #quittheclaw

I’m so excited for Mark Wahlberg to star in the Broadway hit Wicked the Musical Early reviews state that his performance is “Wicked Awesome”

What’s your DJ name? Mine is DJ Pork Sausage because all I play is bangers.

What’s your DJ name? Mine would be DJ Celibate because I don’t fuck around.

I want to write a spin-off movie of Prom and make it about the Sadie Hawkins dance where Tessa Thompson plays a straight white guy.

THIS JUST IN. Golden Globes willing to re-categorize Minari if they replace ឵🕊️ for Scarlett Johansson.

Why a slap over a fist? Because paper beats Rock everytime. #Oscars #ufcoscarfightnight

i think I have better chances of getting therapy by starting a podcast and getting sponsored by BetterHelp than trying to see someone at Kaiser.

an ex-friend is on Cameo and I’m thinking about booking them to apologize to me.