Wow, Jeff Bender and I wrote the 8th most-read article on McSweeney's this year! This is awesome!

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All the liquor stores near my house are called “Fine Wine and Good Spirits.” I like their honesty. —How’s your wine? —Fine. —Oh. But your spirits, though—I bet they’re great. —I wouldn’t go that far.

I have a new piece called “My Friends: A Power Ranking” in Slackjaw 🚀 today. Howard, my #10, is a real guy! medium.com/slackjaw/my-fr…

I just published It’s Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday — Time for a Romantic Fast! link.medium.com/blkXXSWMbHb

I find it impossible not to say "vehemently" vehemently

Thanks, McSweeney’s, for running this piece about Trump’s new Bible! I think the lyrics to “YMCA” should be included too. mcsweeneys.net/articles/speci…

Gospel According to Matthew: Cut (boring) Gospel According to Mark: Cut (too woke) Gospel According to Luke: Cut (overrated) mcsweeneys.net/articles/speci…

There's no way to set this piece up without irony -- except to say thank you, Katie Henken Robinson and Electric Literature ! A Facebook Announcement From Your Author Friend Who Has Some News electricliterature.com/a-facebook-ann… via @electriclit

Monopoly anyone? The great ⁦Talia Argondezzi⁩ and I wrote this piece about the dreaded family game night. “How To Win Family Game Night” by Talia Argondezzi & Jeff Bender medium.com/slackjaw/how-t…

I spent the '90s listening to the Traveling Wilburys in my dad's car cassette player, looking at this image and wondering who the "other guy" was. Roy Orbison, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, George Harrison, and . . ? Anyway, I wrote this about that. thehardtimes.net/music/new-trav…

Thanks Justin Gawel and Slackjaw 🚀 for publishing "I’m A Dad — Isn’t It Hilarious How I Don’t Know Anything About My Kids?!" and thanks to the great Rachel Reyes for help editing. This one might hurt a little. link.medium.com/bxrxTjOE8Ob

Thanks, ⁦The Hard Times⁩! Love to all moms everywhere. instagram.com/p/DDnJRWGTKgj/…

PRODUCER 2: Okay, so: Curtain up. It’s Christmas Eve. A young girl named Clara is opening gifts. One happens to be from her favorite uncle, a kind of creepy mask-wearing guy named Drosselmeyer. PRODUCER 1: Don’t love this... mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-pro…

This is crazy -- my Nutcracker article in McSweeney's has been "trending." Soon it will slide into obscurity, but for now --

instagram.com/reel/DEVuPIbz0… Remember Christopher Walken in the video for “Weapon of Choice”? @thehardtimesnews let me contribute some jokes to their updated take.

Drummer Wants More Creative Input on Where the Band Stops for Lunch thehardtimes.net/music/drummer-… Thanks, The Hard Times!

instagram.com/reel/DE8UykWzW… Thanks, The Hard Times, for letting me help take on Aerosmith’s “Crazy”