It’s times like this that I am reminded of the old proverb “Be a man, use your hand.”

I like to think I’m on an episode of Chopped when I’m at the grocery store. What can I make with a can of olives, some pop tarts, and a box of triscuits?

This is the perfect time for those who don’t know if they can pull off a mustache

It’s going to be ok everyone, I got a covid-19 support email from my domain name registrar.

So glad you don’t have any stuff when you decide to move into your own place. Then you realize you don’t have any stuff for your own place...

Thanks Donald J. Trump for keeping the white suburban families blind of the huge problems currently afflicting our nation. The fight for gentrification and a larger economic divide wouldn’t be possible without these incredible pinheaded acts. Fuck you.

My life now. youtu.be/gghIbUOG7Sk

You’re a wussy if you wear a mask is like saying you’re a loser if you wear condoms.

“Am I on mute?” is the corporate equivalent to “Is this mic on?”

When I grow up I want to be Savannah Guthrie. #powned

Good day in America. Finally.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.

How much goat cheese is too much goat cheese?

So, following this logic, it’s up to countries to entertain and get angry young men laid? And if we don’t we are going to war? Wtf are you talking about?

There’s something about pickles and pretzels where you don’t have one for long enough that you forget how good they are, then you have one and are like “WOW!” and eat a ton. That’s gotta be called something

Jeff’s space tickets is like Willy Wonka, but instead of Charlie you have a some rich person with too much money and instead of oompa-loompas you have a bunch of underpaid, injured, seasonal laborers.

I'm going to hold out for the iphone 23 mini