My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO

Sometimes we clap because they’re good. Sometimes we clap because they’re done. Karaoke

Where do you see yourself in 5 gyros?

I’ve eaten calzones in port-a-potty’s you wouldn’t piss in.

I wouldn’t say I’m old but a Werther’s original fell out of my pocket and I have no idea how it got there.

To U.S. citizens traveling abroad: If you’re in trouble you just have to find the nearest McDonalds. International law states that they are treated as U.S. soil, just like an embassy.

My favorite part about having a Peloton is telling people I have a Peloton.

Neighborhood backyard dominance is more than who’s mowed first. It’s also who’s the first to set their Bluetooth speaker up.

Adults who say “yummy” please stop.

You should be able to send motivation via Venmo.

You'd have to work pretty hard to be obese & Amish.

I was a completely different person yesterday when I was making plans for today.

Dudes have to wear pants to the office, but I can throw on a pillowcase with armholes & go unbothered.

I don’t care for small talk. I prefer awkward silence.

10 years ago, I put my phone on silent and never looked back.

Onlyfans is just what I’ll be running after paying my July electric bill.

The whitest thing I’ve ever done is buy salsa from CVS.

My mother has requested I find a new emergency contact

I see posts like, "If food is too expensive just grow your own." Okay George Washington why didn't I think of that

It’s cruel that when you’re in a hotel learning a new shower knob, confused and annoyed, you’re also naked and cold.