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Hey you... I'm so proud of you for getting through the day. You're amazing.

People that have two accounts here..... why?

I'm rooting for every single person that is struggling right now. You should root for them too.

I don’t chase, I attract, I say to myself as I get MORE dog hair off the ass of my pants

I’m cat furniture now.

Hey at least we don’t have to wash our groceries anymore.

I’m going to buy Twitter and rename it H.

If she reads Bukowski, she’s not looking for love. She’s looking for someone who will ruin her creatively.

Perpetually caught between loneliness and the desire to be left alone.

People don't even bother to steal our tweets anymore.

I like when girls wear glasses

I’m getting laid.

Mama ain’t raise no bitch

Those eyes say thank you.

My romantic timeline looks like a chalkboard Doc Brown would dramatically erase while yelling “GREAT SCOTT!”

Hmmm… would you mind if I tweeted that ? Me as a therapist

I'm not going to live my life based on scriptures from 1400 BC to 100 AD. I believe in God and God gets me. I'm going to be okay.

I need a Friday night that starts like a music video and ends like a Lifetime movie.

I’ll probably let him fuck me tomorrow morning.

"Overweight Disney Adults" needs to be a band name.