Josh Hawley running away to a variety of soundtracks.

Pt. 1: Chariots of Fire #January6thCommitteeHearing

I'm sorry in advance for my inappropriately sarcastic comments during our serious conversation.

it amazes me that some of u take no meds and are just raw doggin life

It’s nice to finally be seeing marketplace suggestions that cater to my needs

I told my fiancé I’d like to have our ceremony this summer and then offered to make him two sandwiches and he agreed emphatically because he’s like super excited to get married I guess

All bark, no bite

Can’t hit a curb and not say “Ope, that’s a curb”

one more time for the people in the back: just because u don't find it funny doesn't mean it wasn't a joke

jokes can be bad

Them: Help to save a life and donate blood.

Me: Can I just donate my life?

Them: Wait, what?

Self deprecation is just part of my personality at this point

The last email I sent to my manager just said ‘wtf man’ in case you were wondering how professional I am

Them: You should let loose and live a little

Me: *moves to other side of the couch* Like this?

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

hold up hold up hold up why is there a woman working at this five guys

Do it for Skeletor

son, the tennis teacher has you do these activities instead of just playing matches because he's teaching you the skills first, not because he's a 'bitch'

I was a skater kid with the balance of bambi on ice in case you were wondering how cool I was in high school

High tea is just tea in the bong water