Saw a chiropractor today who told me his motto is ‘Motion is lotion’. So if I disappear it’s because he’s keeping me in some kind of pit.

My favourite thing about travelling in Europe is when you’re walking through an airport at 9am and they’re playing a song called ‘Let’s Fuck Shit Up! (And Piss)’

Absolutely loving Tim Key’s Poetry Programme, rightly or wrongly
bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0…

Had a tooth out today. And all I had to distract me was a giant tv showing the budget. It’s not been a great day.

This hospital is a lot more racist than I was expecting.

Watched Oppenheimer with my parents. They covered their ears for 5 minutes before the bomb went off, as if it might explode suddenly at any moment, and as if it would be as loud as a real bomb

I’ll save you a read, she put both children up for adoption.

“MY MEMORY’S FINE!” I shriek at the urinal.

I had no idea this was his surname

The church circa 1859.

Birds, today: I’m just popping out does anyone want anything from the sh-

*10 minutes later*

(on phone) Hi love, I’m in Kenya. Yup. Kenya. No idea…

Somewhere Peter Morgan writes down in his notebook: ‘James Norton as King’s Proctologist?’

I do believe that when you reach 69 years old that you should get a telegram from the king saying ‘nice’.

And Netflix will not rest until they’ve adapted every single last one of them

Christmas is all about peace, goodwill and waging a violent and unrelenting war against my microbiome.

Really like it when it says the shepherds were sore afraid because it make it sound like they’re from south shields

I liked working in development because you could feverishly say to someone ‘but what if you GENUINELY tried to see if a rat could teach 10 celebrities how to cook’ and it felt like work.

One great thing you learn from having subtitles on is just how much characters scoff