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My wife is cleaning the grill because I left the lid open last night and she’s afraid a deer licked it. Yep. She thinks a deer licked it. I couldn’t make it up if I tried.

I’m so old I can remember when rap music was good.

We had anniversary cards on all the tables at our wedding. Guests filled them out and we open them by year and table number. It’s cute. Opened 16 this morning. Her high school “friend” wrote “you should have married me,” but backwards in case I’m too dumb to read backwards.

My 10 year old just asked my wife if I ever got canceled…

Suburbia dad tip. Don’t let your 6 year old watch nature shows. Of any kind. They’ll think they’re animal experts. They’ll make friends with someone else’s outdoor cat. And then after lots of tears and arguments with multiple neighbors you’ll end up owning a cat.

I don’t know why everyone complains about New Jersey Transit. You just have to remember to give yourself a little extra time, like say 4 and half hours, and you’ll always get there on time. No problem.

If the instructions on the bag say to “cook for 13 to 21 minutes or until done” what is even the point of putting directions on the bag?

Dude is a Nazi, right? We can all cross party lines and agree on that, right?

Why are republicans obsessed with ivermectin? Seriously. Who gives a shit?

The cheapest eggs I could find today were 7.99. I skipped them… going great. I wonder who he blames?

How many Nazi salutes does it take to make a guy a Nazi? Asking for a freind.

I wish I could go back in time for just one minute and tell 16 year old me that someday you’ll be in a broadway musical about strippers.

Sen Chris Murphy (D-CT) on CNN just now: “The White House has become an arm of the Kremlin”

Here's the case. Trump's alignment with Putin - and his plan to sell out Ukraine - is shameful. But it's part of a bigger story. Trump sides with dictators bc it legitimizes his plan for America: a Russian-style kleptocracy where the rich steal from us to enrich themselves.

Are there any actual people left on twitter?

How come the only people that like my posts on here are strange woman in bikinis? My tweets must be super sexy.

If I still have friends here come and find me on Blue sky. This shit is gross. I feel like I’m pissing into the wind of lies here. And like an actual Nazi owns it. What are we doing here?

On May the 4th the rebels start to push back against the Empire. Our first act of political noncompliance is to leave X forever. May the 4th be with you.

Raise your hand if you’re a robot. May 4th the real people turn the X off forever.

May the 4th real people leave X forever.