Parenthood is an inverted evolutionary arms race because your kid is trying to find new ways to die and you're trying to keep them alive, usually with modest success.

Britt: Can I get a smile for some booby? Noah: *burp* *unimpressed stare* As the dark horse in the competition to be Noah's favorite parent, I can't begin to convey with words how much this rejection means to me.

I was pretending to eat Noah's faces with kisses and right as I went in for the kill he puked right onto my face volcano style. So yeah, I guess you could say I'm a pretty scary monster. 😏💅

I've never understood why people clutch pearls about being in the same bathroom with trans folks. How am I gonna have the energy to ponder if the person in the stall next to me has a penis and testicles? I'm focusing all of my energy on making sure people don't hear me poop.

I just watched Brittany stifle two sneezes in a row so as not to wake Noah and that's when I knew she loves him more than I ever could.

Little known fact: Dylan Thomas wrote "Do not go gentle into that good night" when he was a child because he hated bed time.

I'm bringing dad jokes into the 21st century by yelling "yo what is that beat" and Milly rocking everytime I hear a Cocomelon song.