save water and juice your cucumbers

autumn is basically just a series of nights in which you gradually open your windows with less regularity

at the end of the day, i like to go to bed

quick question guys: is it strange to say ‘bless you’ to a complete stranger? and also, what if you’re plunging them facefirst into a river whilst you do it?

a top tip for anyone keen to impress on a first date: secretly learn the name of your beloved’s father and drop it into conversation, in relation to other things, at every conceivable opportunity

this new “dentists on the mantelpiece” that has just opened really sets my teeth on edge

Now that we’ve seen that appalling leave ad can we all stop being so bloody liberal and having to pretend that they're not just a bunch of ignorant racist shits

sometimes i wish i had a massive hand so all i had to do was reach out and i’d be doodling in the vapour trails

thinking of renaming my wifi network to something so completely fucking funny that my neighbours may notice and possibly even smirk at it, all without my knowledge of course. so: suggestions please.

sure sex is great but you ever tried renewing your 16-25 railcard on the eve of your 26th birthday?

gotta show my appreciation for the home borough in any way i know how

things reviewers say about my stand-up:

now i’m sorry but unless you have evidence that you’ve worked with both the barbaras (streisand and windsor) then i’m afraid i won’t even countenance the idea that you’re a “performer”

give a man a pants he has a pants for a day teach a man to plant a pants tree he has pants for life

fun tip for you guys to try out: every time a person i’ve only just met tells me it’s their birthday, i like to follow it up with the phrase “happy birthday”. it’s a scream you really must try it

guys 100 times 100 is still 100. IN OPPOSITE LAND.

hello everyone. like a twitter mayfly my time on here has come to an end. BUT like a buddhist twitter mayfly, it is merely to be reincarnated over on the jacob lovick page. so if you don't follow it already, now is the chance. as this is to be terminated ONE WEEK FROM NOW.

Young people - today is your last chance. Register to vote or I will make another enchanting romantic comedy. #registertovote TACTICALLY.