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The only real way to gauge someone's level of coolness is to see how they grip the steering wheel.

Itching my allergy eyes is the closest I will ever come to actually doing heroin.

I understand women like confidence, but I also understand that I shake with nervousness when popping open a can of Pillsbury dough.

"Hmmm, Worcestershire....how should we pronounce this?" "How about Wrrshtrrshrr" "...sounds perfect!"

Pro-tip: she'll never dump you if you don't tell her you are dating in the first place.

A Fitbit that makes passive aggressive comments about your body when you don't move for 2 hours at a time.

Goes shopping for healthy food Also buys a single frozen pizza as a "cheat meal" Frozen pizza is the first thing eaten

Mechanic: *describing what is wrong with my car* Me: *nodding like I know any of the words he just said*

Dear AMBER, I don't know who you are, but please stop texting me about all the people you've kidnapped.

The selfie stick is popular. Which means we have all finally admitted that nobody's face looks good from 6 inches away.

*heated husband/wife argument* Honey, the amount of time I spend on Pinterest is perfectly normal!! *slams door to house made of Mason Jars*

I try to not be judgmental, but as soon as horoscopes come up in conversation, I'm gone.

Me as NFL ref: "Holding,offense, number 85!" Number 85: "Oh,bullshit!" Me: "I'm sorry, you're right, no holding, free touchdown! Sorry sir"

My cell phone GREATLY over-estimates the amount of times I want to use the word "ducking".

Was there nobody at the NASA meeting like: "so...you were joking about naming the planet 'Uranus' right??"

Donald Trump says he'll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she'll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

Really disappointed in the lack of "sexy ken bone" costumes this year.

Ever have a "I pay rent in this place, I can pee in the damn shower if I want" moment?"...me neither

Please do me a huge favor and follow my music page @theBartonBros. Chainsmokers meets Sara Bareilles. Debut single in 6 days!!:)