Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

This is interrupting my regular poop schedule.

Fuckin Mexicans, jfc

I put in a request to sleep until my alarm went off, but my dog rejected it.

First world countries are long overdo for a deep ethnocleaning.

Hard to compete with fun & reckless.

An air of mystery about the familiarity of the smell & wondering what the hell they ate.

Some company unsubscribed me bc they asked if I was interested in their "great deal" & I said "Fuck no".

It doesn’t get better with time, it gets better with money.

👉🏼👈🏼

Your friends on the internet are gay

This is how I be pretending to be a loaf of bread trying to avoid people trying to talk to me lmaoooo

Of course you're weird. That's why I'm friends with you.

I was asked today by a sports fan to name a basketball player. I told him he was asking the wrong person. He told me to try. I chose Michael Jordan, bc he was on the greatest team in the world... [He looked pleased] The Tune Squad [He walked away]

Chinese names are not to be trusted.

It's kind of sad that it's really only fun to slam doors if you are in a bad relationship.

.Ratspitt ™ was trying to show me his credit, which is really embarrassing after .buster showed me a pic of his own well-endowed magnificence.

Lemme see if I understand these ads correctly... Hers = weight loss, you fat unattractive bitch Hims = dick hard, in case it didn't work