I loaned a blind guy some money the other day. He said he was gonna pay me back next time he saw me..... Oh, wait.... Damn.

F is for friends who do stuff without you.

When I say "the other day", it can mean any time from yesterday to 364 days ago.

Sarcastically saying "good job" when someone drops something.

"K." Well, Potassium to you too, motherfucker.

Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.

Was planning on doing something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

My bed is my best friend.

My mom: I think you should do your homework. Me: Well, sometimes I think I should do crystal meth but then I think mmm, better not.

Some of life’s best lessons are learned while watching your drunk friends.

1st: Chris Brown hits her 2nd: Eminem lies to her and 3rd: Drake cant remember her name What a life Rihanna has!

Me: *Likes someone* Me: *Thinks I have a chance* Me: *Remembers what I look like* Me: *Cries*

"One Direction" has 12 letters. So does "gayyyyyyyyyy". Coincidence? I think not.

I wish my friend's houses were connected to mine by secret tunnels.

H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K. [H]alf [O]f [M]y [E]nergy [W]asted [O]n [R]andom [K]nowledge.

RTETWEE fi yuo raed tihs wihtuot a porlbem, becuaes yuore jsut taht Asoemwe.

I went on a run but I came back 5 minutes later because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes.

I wonder if Justin Bieber sees the irony behind the statement, "Never say never".

A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.

I like my coffee how I like my people... I don't like coffee.