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Me: Can I put a poster up for Stroud Pride? Shop Owner: Sure! That’s for the gays isn’t it? Me: It’s for everyone! Shop Owner: Are you.. Me: ...yes I’m... Shop Owner: Do you know anything about wind chimes? Me: I... Shop Owner: Or is that lesbians?

I know I’ve mentioned this before but until I die I shall continue to mention the date who jumped out of my car at traffic lights and ran away.

PRETEND you're at Tokyo's Shibuya Junction by looking at a regular pedestrian crossing through a kaleidoscope. (via Nick Daniels)

PRETEND you're in your own first class compartment on a train by sitting in the toilet for the entire journey. (via @IanJonno)

CONVINCE people you're Greg Rutherford by complaining about your PE kit and jumping in some sand. (via @YPwca)

CREATIVELY placed human faeces make ideal & humorous "fake dog poo" (via Я ē g ☆)

SEE people die of anger by getting a dog and naming it Bae. (via @sligboi)

CONVINCE people they're wearing a hat by shouting "I like your hat!" at them. (via Jake Bumphrey’s Low Performance Tweets)

FOOL people into thinking you've been abroad by posting a picture of the rain and saying "Back in good old Blighty - 16c" (via Stoo Elvin)

BEARD-WEARERS. Check no one has made off with your beard by stroking it every 30 seconds or so. (via Sali Berisha)

LADS on Tinder. Try using "Hello" as a greeting instead of the usual "can i cum on ur tits". You might get a reply. (via Primary Salutation)

CONVINCE VETS you need to remain off-grid by arriving at their surgery with a gunshot wound and demanding they "patch you up" @eddieunwin

DRUG DEALERS. Improve your users' teeth by adding fluoride to crystal meth. (via 【Vin】)

MAKE your own Sunderland head coach by pouring custard and brandy on your penis. (via Rich/Rach "Favus" Smith)

A HOLLOWED OUT French stick is ideal for smuggling dildos into libraries. (via Neil Egan)

PARENTS. Easily teach your children fractions by getting them to buy your weed. (via 【Vin】)

CONVINCE PEOPLE you’ve just done 8 years in prison by lighting a cigarette in a pub, and acting surprised at the outcome (via @eddieunwin)

TRICK your wife into thinking the table’s died by simply turning it upside down. (via Simon Northcott)

GENTS. If you see a lady who’s upset let her know you’re concerned by asking her if it’s her haircut that’s making her sad. @Bigshirtlesscol

LEAVE a public toilet as you’d expect to find it by smearing your shit up the walls and pissing on the floor. (via Woof The Wolf)