There are boys out there who are filled with so much shame that they end up watching their anime on their phones in the seclusion of their cars. And my goal is to make them feel less alone

Doing my Red Rooster run Sunday evening and a group of about 10 blokes step out of the chest-high bushes to demand I stop shining a light upon the frayed nature of Australian masculinity. It's just the Sunday blues driving them I know, and the boys soon scatter to the four winds

Begged a crowd of bystanders at the beach to help me while i was viciously swarmed by gulls after my baker's delight garlic twist, but they just stood there wet with cowardice

Saw a family burying their son up to the neck in sand this morning, dishing out some traditional beach justice. I took pity on the young fella and gave him a bite of my spring roll when they weren't looking. If the community realises what I've done they'll decapitate me.

Had a bit of a blow up with the security guard at Coles because he reckoned 90 minutes was too long to spend standing in the Metamucil aisle. Eventually got him to admit the sheer amount of new flavours was enough to draw any man into a waking dream, and we parted as friends.

Woke up to more missed calls from a private number. You know it's just gonna be Mike Whitney off his nut claiming a new season of Who Dares Wins is coming. Last time we spoke I said if his shadow darkens my doorstep again I'll put my hand in an Ovaltine tin and use it like a mace

Dunes are the waves of the earth. Waves are the waves of the sea. Clouds are the waves of the air. Can't concentrate enough to remember what rocks or food are. Nobody is manning the Gloria Jeans at the airport and I am blind with rage about it. I am furious.

Headed down to the beach on my day off to help council with a controlled detonation of a demon thatd been spotted in the surf. Of course he's gone and I end up accidentally exploding a French backpacker getting his snorkeling in so now there has to be an inquest

Had that dream again. I was travelling across a dark and bitter plain upon which no landmark stood but a shadowy citadel looming before me, and though it was far away I knew in my heart it was that DFO where all the urinals are the low ones for kids

every IGA should have a blacked out parking bay for blokes to try out abominable new milk flavours free from the eyes of god

bloke on Facebook marketplace says he’s sitting on a packet of the original Light & Tangy (before they removed the additive that made you limitless) but when I pull up at the address it’s just Andy Griffiths with another big Bible

woke up doing death rolls in the fitted sheet and had to admit to Denise I’d had that dream again where I was the one who’d come up with giving the Chomp Bar dinosaur a walkman

On hold to Telstra for an hour to get my son blocked from the broadband for making AI versions of my books where everything's normal except I look like a dirty great big lizard, only for them to tell me I havent been a customer for years. How the fuck am I supposed to know that!

group of lads corner me in the urinals at the Regal 8 and start screaming about the shackles of masculinity I said unreal fellas I'm just trying to have a wazz not everything needs to have a solution

In school I had a mate who said his uncle who worked for nasa gave him one of the cokes they took up to space and when he turned 18 he drank it in front of everyone and died instantly. Most of my books warn against this sort of thing.

Bit of a scene at Hoyts after I demanded to know how the young fella managing the candy bar can sleep at night knowing he's serving choctops during non-dessert hours. Must've leant on him a bit too hard because soon he was weeping loudly and obviously I wasn't far behind

Out of nowhere council wants me to come defend driving the station wagon around in the high tide on days I don't have much on. Im sure this has nothing to do with all the rallies I've held for a Kirks Pasito price freeze, most of which were admittedly infiltrated by ultra gronks

Went into a gem shop for a quick squiz today and next thing I'm walking out with the biggest quartz you've ever seen. Now I'm worried I'm flirting with powers beyond reckoning because pretty soon I was getting rocked with visions of the underground Mitre 10 that sells human bones

Working on a book about a kid who becomes powerful from summer vibes but gets crook in winter. I should be done by now but I’ve had to get a job cleaning out the fountains at the airport and it’s made me far too angry to sit down

Bit of a standoff with the council demanding I stop getting in a wooden barrel and letting the waves chuck me through the crowds in the flagged off areas. Good luck, they know I’m prepared to chew through the shark nets and let the devil onto land.