Everyone: don’t mix your drinks. Me: bring me Prosecco, Mojitos and red wine. .... Me: and chips #SundayThoughts #Hangover #SundayFunday

My fish Billy died today and yes it’s very sad but it’s also like come on mate just keep a fucking fish alive can’t you. I keep tiny humans alive all day every day but a fish? No. Beyond me.

Hands up who else knows that if they’re on a slip road it is NOT their right of way and they should STOP if a car is boxed in and can’t let them out.

Yeah sex is cool and everything, but have you tried arranging your furniture so your hoover head fits perfectly between each piece? #MondayMotivation

Who are the people that just have the suggested serving of Ben and Jerry’s? Are you out there? How do you do it? #icecream #TuesdayMotivation

*packing for holiday* Me: stands on scales, picks up suitcase to check weight, puts suitcase down... “Wow I’m so skinny I can totally indulge when I’m away” 💁🏻‍♂️💁🏻‍♂️

I’m behind the times in watching #13ReasonsWhy but so far my primary thought is why do all these people live in #bungalows. Makin it easy for everybody to take naked pics 🤷🏻‍♀️ #naked #netflix

When work is particularly stressful, I like to pretend I’m an actor playing a role. It takes the edge off. #ThursdayMotivation

I eat my burgers upside down, ever thought about that? The adverts always show the bun sesame seed side up...not in real life my friend, not in real life #FridayThe13th #FridayFeeling #burgertruths

How did the name Waitrose come about? Like ‘Wait! Rose! I need some premium produce urgently!!’ Waitrose & Partners help, I need to know

The smelly crisps are the best #cheesemyonion

What’s the ‘dish of your childhood’? Mine was creamy courgette pasta, when I make it now it’s the ultimate comfort food #Foodie #Foodies #ChildhoodMemories

When someone rings your house phone and you flip out because you forgot you had a house phone and it’s so far under the sofa you can’t get to it and there’s crying and shouting and stuff gets broken in a desperate scramble to ANSWER THE PHONE 😱😱😱 #MakeItStop #blastfromthepast

Fighting with your spouse is different when you have kids..like you’re in the middle of a blazing, relationship ending row and then a toddler vomits all over the car so you stop and become a superhero team managing that sh*t like pros 💪🦸‍♀️ 🦸‍♂️

Can anyone name all the members of ‘Blazin squad’? Could anyone ever? #Blazinsquad #Blaze #Squad #Crossroads

Bringing your sick child into work is not cute or endearing. Air con = mass destruction across an entire workforce. Cheers

The guy next to me on the DLR just wrote a really smushy sweet message on his phone to ‘claire bear’ about how he can’t wait to see her for their next date and likes her so much......sent it and then copied and pasted it to ‘Vicky 😍’ FFS mate 😂🤣

Well done Tesco - thank you for my shop delivered on time, by friendly people and just a few appropriate subs. Really appreciated, great work 👏👏👏