Hot girl, Volkswagen Jetta. It's a law, like water, or dinosaurs. #TacoTuesday

Hey, I can lead a horse to the water, but I can't make the water not want to have sex with me. #TacoTuesday

Try to keep your Anticiperections in your pants, only 12 hours until the season 7 premiere of The League on FXX Shivakamini Somakandarkram!!!!!

Golden Tate is still my favorite cereal.

God bless Fantasy Football. There are many things a man can do with his time - this is better than those things.

Just hand me the beer and I'll run it over to him. Don't throw it! Come on man, I can sleep-walk that thing to him.

Our unisex toilets mean even more opportunity to mingle. #partywhileyoupoop #makefriendsonthetoilet

I was drunk. It's not public urination if it's involuntary. It's like a heart attack!

Ruxin, if we lined up every girl you had sex with in high school, we could run for 1,000 yards behind them in the NFL. #Herdsman

I hate fantasy football. And it’s the only thing I ever really loved.

I think we’re supposed to pee on him…Might not help, but it can’t hurt. #TacoTuesday

I love having sex in Priuses, 'cause you're not only having sex, you're saving the environment too. #TacoTuesday

Don't insult garbage time soring. Closing time at a bar: All the girls are drunk and all the hot guys have gone home. So it's garbage time.

Marriage is the ultimate garbage time. Youre just running out the clock together. It's less about scoring and more trying not to get injured

Oh, I love oysters because they're like little salty pussies on a shell. #RafiBomb

I'm a good driver. Red means stop, green means go, and yellow is the other one.

My bench is this magical, mystery realm where ordinary players play like superstars.

Vulturing’s the way to go, man. Minimum effort, maximum results.

Cinnamon only exists in spice racks and strip clubs, that's it!

October’s my month. I’m like the Reggie Jackson of hookups in October!