just finished pooping and when I wiped and looked down at the toilet paper it was a picture of the virgin mary

I grew up in miami so whenever I face a challenging moment in life I ask myself what would pitbull do

I love Halloween because you get to see how creative these whores are

if I ever have kids I’m gonna lie to them and tell em Halloween is 2 days

me in my 20s: let’s do some molly me in my 30s: let’s do some magnesium

being a liberal in NYC is like being liberal on expert mode

it’s that wonderful time of the year where I don’t know if I’m stepping on wet leaves or dog shit

fine but I’m not calling him dad -me after Mamdani won the election

friendly reminder to remove any R. Kelly songs from ur sex playlist before it’s too late

studies show that men who wear fingered shoes are 83% more likely to die alone

40% of my workout at the gym is me picking my wedgie without anyone noticing

who would’ve thought that Monica Lewinsky and Donald Trump had so much in common

youtube: you have a new subscriber! me: fine I won’t kill myself

twins are proof that god copy and pastes just like the rest of us

you know ur a good dog owner if you got 17 nicknames for ur dog

ubers are fun bc sometimes you get to be driven around by a guy who used to be president of a third world country

my favorite part about Thanksgiving is getting to wear nice clothes that won’t fit in 4 hours

the day after Thanksgiving is the worst day to be a toilet

maybe this whole time Trump was obsessed with Hillary releasing her emails bc he wanted to see if Bill ever thinks about him

cyber monday for millenials is cruisin online chat rooms for some strange after school