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Trying to oxygenate during during a panic attack is like naming your favorite Duncan Sheik song.

Saved you a click: the bride gave the groom some expensive glasses and he was able to see color for the first time since a childhood trauma left him colorblind

I swear to Jesus H. Christ if my kids don’t learn to leave me alone while I’m in the bathroom, I’m going to stop coming out for that hour every day

This whole time I had it backwards; I thought it was brush your teeth for at least 20 seconds and wash your hands for two minutes. I guess it explains why I’ve never had a cavity on my fingers! #ImAvailable4Bookings

Tomorrow night! Come to Whiskey Roadhouse and see Austin “DoubleA” Anderson Frank007 Cameron Logsdon and Bill Blank! Whiskey Roadhouse 6pm for Comedy for a Cause benefitting the MICAH House! 6pm doors open. Buy tickets themicahhouse.org!!

I’m so sorry! 2 boobs now for the offense 🤓

Picking a healthy kid to run into the store...fun game I play “Sophie’s “Choice” 🤓#Coronaha

Thoughts and Prayers

“The Jimmy Curve: Heather Jones was the best guest! Episode drops tomorrow!” Thanks guys!! That was a blast!!!

Here it is! The long-awaited Heather Jones episode! traffic.libsyn.com/jimmycurve/TJC…

Photo shoot Big Canvas style! New stuff coming to Bigcanvasne.com soon!

Set to appear 6-25: @rachelgweeks Rachel-in-equity @dolllAye Heather Jones plusgreg.bsky.social @itwasmyseason @smoothjazz91 Tracie 'maukingbird.bsky.social' Mauk and more!!!

These women were a blast!!! Thank you for having me!! x.com/typeomaha/stat…

You ladies are awesome! x.com/typeomaha/stat…

via Heather Jones: "Practice play" by... x.com/homancartnotes…

Haven’t checked twitter in a couple of years… are people still using their real names and being super nice to each other?

I know I’m old and married, but I still hold out hope to one day feel about a person the way local news producers felt about the #TidePodChallenge

I know I should have tweeted this like 2 weeks ago, but I was busy writing a Lorena Bobbit joke. #TimelinessIsNextToGodliness

What will happen to that Los Lonely Boys CD that has been stuck in my minivan for years when I die?