1/7th of your life has been Mondays... yeah, let that sink in.

The fastest way from point A to point B is a squiggly line @schroedown4wat

Today was an "I don't give a shit" kinda day

Chocolate comes from cocoa, cocoa grows on trees, trees are plant. Chocolate is salad

If you're ever being chased by cops and they yell, "Freeze!" Yell, "Everybody clap your hands!" And they legally have to begin clapping.

Dear family, thanks for putting empty boxes back in the cabinet, there's nothing like having a bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

I wonder if the receptionist at a sperm bank ever used the phrase: Thanks for coming.

Yoga pants are the bacon of clothing

My mom wanted to talk to me about my immaturity, but she can't... she doesn't know the password to my blanket fort.

If I was a bird, I know who I would shit on.

Daaamn girl, are you a fire alarm? ... Cause you're really fuckin loud and annoying.

I can't be the only one who belts out the song "human" every time it's on the radio

Even if I was a millionaire I would still pick up change off the sidewalk.

What if algebra teachers are really pirates and they're just using us to find "X" so they can know where the treasures buried.

Anybody else realize that Oranges are presliced by nature?

I would like to publicly apologize to @schroedown4wat for always introducing him as "my gay friend"

Onions think they're ugly because you cry when you get them naked

Sorry Iggy, but I still think Bobbie Gentry sang "fancy" better

Did some field work for a farmer today, he didn't have any teeth. Neither did his sons. Must be a family thing. #sunsoutgumsout

Ate a pound of puppy chow this morning, there's chex in that. so I guess you could say I had cereal for breakfast.