So is there an age you hit one day where you just become completely cool with having every phone conversation on speaker phone in public?

Still thinking of the waitress who told us she wanted to lay in traffic when we said our pizza was cold.

Santa trying not to give away his identity on a date

Love when sites try to give you a discount and the two options are like Yes, id like 10% off and no thanks im a fucking idiot

Nah I think my English teacher would have wrote a better album

My grandmothers funeral will be sponsored by draftkings

It’s pretty annoying whoever has the Epstein files is treating it like it’s an album release. Every few weeks they drop a new single and mention there’s way more where this came from.

Co worker: I’m leaving early Me: have a good long weekend! Co worker: it’s for a funeral Me: well fuck me I guess!

Life was better when I didn’t know the governments secret plans

If you don’t say hi in your email I assume you want me dead

We live in a simulation

Imagine walking down an escalator and being hit by a shopping cart

Taylor swift produces over 1,000 times the average person's yearly carbon foot print. Here I am still recycling like a fucking dork

I experienced an ego death at Chilis

I think anytime Epstein files leak over a weekend we shouldn’t have to work that Monday

I hope no one ever hates me as much as Chris Collinsworth hates Will Campbell

I’ve always wanted a bar crawl to have the potential for psychosis

Damn. All my school photos went to a spank bank?

Trader Joe’s is the closest we’ll get to Thunderdome

The first tweet is a known photoshop god people are so fucking stupid