Cop *knocking on door* open up it's the police! Me: it's ok, I haven't done any crimes Cop: The fashion police Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy! Worm: Thanks for the "worm" welcome haha God *creates birds*

There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 7.”

WIFE: I'm expecting ME: Oh my god WIFE: a pizza delivery in 10 minutes ME: OH MY GOD

There’s no distance, no time zone, no language barrier that stupidity can’t transcend

Accidentally blew my nose with a Clorox wipe and now I have a blonde mustache

I sigh loudly, seeing my roommate has again clogged our drain with snakes and shampoo. 'She has other strengths.” I remind myself. ‘She decorated. I could never afford such realistic statues.'

Detective: where were you between 2 and 4? Me *confidently* preschool

I don't let penguins win any type of game because I know they're all dying to say "penguinner"

Me: I never use essential oils Car mechanic: that's why it's on fire

me before starting "james and the giant peach": how giant could it be. like a cantaloupe me after starting "james and the giant peach": holy fucking shit

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.” That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name “Donkey”

[Me, a famous art thief] Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

Putting a bell around a cow's neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.

DOCTOR: He's in shock COP: What happened? D: Someone made him smoke a marijuana cigarette C: You're saying-? D: Yes. Blunt forced trauma