Goldilocks: one taught me love, one taught me patience, one taught me pain

Today’s fun fact: I learned that a lot of morticians prefer to use Maybelline products when preparing a patient for an open casket Meaning... maybe she’s born with it... AND MAYBE SHE DIES WITH IT!!! ☠️

You ever hear a song that slaps so hard it SPANKS?

Check out this game I made on Kickstarter! Donate and support the cause! kickstarter.com/projects/kevin…

What do you call a turkey that likes to shake its booty? A TWERKY! 🦃

Are “social media smarts” becoming the new “street smarts?” #idk

Single and ready to Pringle #Pringles #loveatfirstcrunch #yum

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? “Filippe Floppe” 🩴

This make a me laugh 😂

Ironic that an app named “Robinhood” is preventing the poor from making money by protecting the rich.

My ears just popped and I didn't realize I couldn't hear properly for the past 3 days until now. #mindblown #earspopped

If Taylor Swift solved her problems with Noah's bagels, would she have had shmear drops on her guitar instead of teardrops?

If Fetty Wap dropped an album in the forest and no one was around to hear it, did he really drop an album?

What did the farmer say when the donkey fell into the sugar? “Now that’s a sweet ass.”

Spoiler alert: they Tide #Tide #SuperBowl #persil #Brady

My feng is some type of shui #FengShui #Monday

#Snaccident

Guy (having sex): Oh yes Laurel! Give it to me! Laurel: WHO THE FUCK IS YANNY?!