shouting “Freebird” at the church choir in the middle of Sunday mass

Instagram can have as much of my data as they want as long as they keep marketing shirts like this to me

Been stuck in small-town Nebraska for 3 days bc of a blizzard, but that’s ok because I’m at a bar called Little Jerry’s right now and this drunk guy keeps demanding to talk to Little Jerry

my gf keeps joking about pegging me which normally would be funny if I wasn’t completely broke with both her birthday and Christmas coming up back to back

Being a domestic terrorist on TouchTunes right now

driving through the countryside listening to Sturgill Simpson I’m so bricked up rn

just got kicked out of a Wisconsin bar for playing Barbie Girl 13 times in a row on the jukebox. Free speech is under attack in america

Writing-off the 300,000 ice cold beers I drank this year as a business expense

Never understood the 5G conspiracies until I drove through Kansas and only had 2G data. They thought we skipped 3 whole G’s man I’d be calling bullshit too

about to partake in my favorite pastime; getting 14 beers deep and chopping a lot of vegetables as fast as humanly possible

the Citizen App is so hilarious man it’s like Pokémon Go except for vigilantes

BLINK 182 - I MISS YOU (COVER)

my life goal is to buy LinkedIn and make it a haven for tumblr porn gifs

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM (COVER)

rooting for the Bengals purely because Joe Burrow was in my 2nd grade class and came to my birthday party at the bowling alley

getting arrested by the Air Marshall for forcing my way into the cockpit and asking him to honk the horn