Everyone complaining about the heat today is crap in bed.

Just want to say I had a colonic today and I am 7 pounds lighter. Proof I have always been full of shit

It’s all very Eurovision isn’t it

Made my kids stay up to watch the opening ceremony after convincing them they are always amazing. My kids now think I’m both mental and a liar. Thanks a lot, Paris.

Genuinely concerned for the immediate future in this country. So much hate everywhere.

Remember to check up on your Goths. If you're hot, they're hot. Bring them inside

Kamala is of Jamaican AND South Asian descent. Donald is a rapist AND a fraudster. People can be multiple things.

Met a professional swimmer

I can’t… I just…what? Fuck sake. They breed.

BREAKING 🚨🚨🚨 Elon Musk “ absolutely disgusted” after learning the fate of a man who said he was English.

The funniest ad copy I've collected this week. 8 examples:

Oasis brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher with Scottish music executive Alan McGee after signing a recording deal with McGees' Creation Records. (1991)

I had no idea Dave Grohl was a liar, but this speaks for itself

“These days….”

People having a shag in this weather are proper mental, we need them at the front when we go to war mate!

Italian-American in his bio, doesn’t like immigrants

If you think you’ve had an embarrassing moment today, I can top it. While grabbing a napkin from the counter in a cafe, I caught the cafe’s tip jar (actually a pot) on my jacket sleeve and sent it hurtling towards the floor. I reacted as quickly as a cat, swooping my arm down

A funeral procession is like Pride for goths.