Holy cow!!!!!!!!!!!! #GoAndTakeIt

You came to the wrong neighborhood motherfuc.

All of my social media platforms are conspiring to imply I am getting engaged/married soon. I’ve never seen so many jewelry ads.

Benadryl and steroids are currently duking it out to decide if I’m going to sleep tonight. If you’re reading this, clearly Benadryl isn’t favored.

A three-day work week platform would be the “soda and snack machines in the school cafeteria” of any presidential election.

I wonder what tropical beach Ted Cruz is headed to this time?

Thanks The Bobfather for the shoutout on Rock-n-roll News! Mornings with Matt and Bob Warriors

Dear Los Angeles: I will be standing up for almost an hour at The Lyric Hyperion this Monday, 4/8, at 7:15 PM. It’s early! The great Laurie Kilmartin will also be on the show. I’m warming up for my “Rusty” tour. I’m worth 10 dollars am I right? eventbrite.com/e/andy-kindler…

Reading my bff’s Comedy Wham article in Austin Chronicle featuring Moontower Comedy and my beloved Andy Kindler ❤️ Austin, I’ve missed you(breakfast taco not pictured).

Other searches included “davenport” and “finger cot.”

Familia, please go see my friend (and sports advisor) Dr. Hotdog

you guys really gotta stop asking athletes what’s next after they win a medal at the Olympics

Just like people have gotta quit asking couples when they are going to have kids at their wedding.

Joe out here thinking women aren’t people. Nothing new…

Have you missed me in yer earholes?!? Miss me no more! Tune in to @sunradiotx Sunday nights from 7-11p! Spread the word. Much love! 😊 #austin #radio #imback

Harris rn killing a baby in his 78th year

The Matt Farley of Motern Media classic Don’t Let The Riverbeast Get You is on television on the Slash TV Scares & Screams Channel!!!

I have books! And I made a video about it!

Tim Walz seemed like a midwestern dad and JD Vance looked like he was waiting for John Lennon to get back to the Dakota

“Outdoor clothes” 😂😂😂