Screw you Amazon for having the top 2 deals for me be Ibuprofen and Restoralax. How old do you think I am? *Adds to cart

UNDΘΘMΞD You shut your mouth, heathen! Chick probably got her man stolen by a woman with bountiful goodness.

Going to therapy is nothing like porn said it was

White guys were right... calling someone who annoys you "buddy" feels phenomenal

Guess I’ll have to leave a handprint on my own ass.

What's everyone mad at today?

FYI: my hoodies would be way too big for you.

Cardio? Is that somewhere in South America?

"Put that in your pipe and smoke it." I used to love saying that.

The lady at the butcher shop gave me a free ribeye so I guess I'm gonna marry her now.

REPORT: Dallas Mavericks fan (me) has been downgraded to QUESTIONABLE (mild depression since trade) to watch tonight’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

My new dating profile picture!

Roses are red Violets are blue Just give me a donut

Hard to believe we’re already back to Monday, isn’t it!? Ugh. Coffee is your friend.

I keep waiting for her to tell me it's huge, but I guess my bank account don't impress her much.

Sorry. I was masturbating. I just saw this.

At 2500 followers I'll show my toe jam.

I need one of those things that brings me coffee to my chair every morning. What are those called!? Oh yeah… a woman

Do you prefer to workout in the AM or PM? What time do you typically go?

Voluptuous is a word that should be used more often to describe titties.