Me: Dad of 3 kids. Has a mortgage. Driving to work in my Dad attire ... Me after hearing #mychemicalromance are reforming:

25 years ago, Mariah Carey invented Christmas.

So am I flying to LA for the #mychemicalromancereunion or am I flying to LA for the #mychemicalromancereunion ?

Someone asked me if I had an Indian identical twin the other day and I haven’t been able to stop thinking of my possible Indian sister roaming around Surrey without me

Should be noted I am very, VERY white.

Starting to think I misheard what he asked me

People who say “ordament” instead of ornament ....

SHOUT OUT TO ABSOLUTELY NOBODY FOR TELLING ME I HAD A PIECE OF PEPPER IN MY TEETH WOW THE DISRESPECT ... 😳🤭lmfao

I’m pretty sure my Spotify wrap up is wrong because Taylor Swift is my #2 artist and I’m pretty sure I’ve listened to a song of hers once this year and changed it before it ended ? 🤷🏻‍♀️ #whohackedme

“You have the most beautiful yellow eyes “ ..... ok cool. But my eyes are brown !? also who has yellow eyes ?

I share a Spotify account with my sisters and one of them liked this playlist and honestly.... whoever did it is promoted to my #1 sister because this playlist is FIRE #hessratforever

“Pussy out , pants down, roommate asking me what the fuck I’m looking at” 💩 😂

Shake elbows with me, I’m Irish.™

It’s 1015pm, let’s take a guess on how fast my neighbors call the police on me for being a loud Italian in the backyard #10minutes

i SAID tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen