Every married guy seeing the asteroid: Oh shoot it’s Valentine’s Day?!

Yeah right I shaved everything but my moustache

Me: I’m excited for the bears this year Friend: Yeah! They’ve made lots of big trades and their draft shou- Me: Hope those scary beasts get to eat a bunch of salmon and berries

Gonna start doing this to wasps nests

Friend: Who ate all of the Nerd Clusters? Me:

Dad what was it like watching Aragorn say, “For Frodo” in theaters?

Fortune Cookie: Stop boiling your bacon Me: Ha never *flips fortune over* Fortune: Then we have no choice.

Guard 1: One of us always lies and one of us always tells the truth Guard 2: That shirt looks dumb on you and I hate it. You also look like the kind of guy that still thinks he can play football. Me: Oh. I’m guessing he tells the tru- Guard 1: *sigh* yeah you can go through

Too many circumstances and not enough pomp

Me: when you lose a tooth you put it under your pillow for the tooth fairy! Son: what do you do when you lose your sense of wonder? Me:

Good people: That’s a vase Awful folk: Tis a vahhhhhhhhzzzzzee

I fear the only thing keeping my wife from divorcing me is my persistent threat to retain custody of her Stanley cups.

My two year old running in with his 9th pack of fruit snacks

Why is popcorn the only socially acceptable food to eat like a crazed monkey scooping out the insides of a coconut? We should broaden the list

You know how our phones have a hard time taking a picture of another screen? And you know how you can’t take a good picture of the moon? Ain’t no way that’s a space rock.

Fidel Castro going into the UN

Odysseus: [tying me to the mast as a siren deterrent] Me: I bet Jason and the Argonauts say “Fleece Navidad” at Christmas Odysseus: That’ll do it

𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐘𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐨𝐧 As in I’m dragon everyone else down with me

Wife: What are you eating? Me: [eating a potato that I peeled like a banana] panana

Me: *knocking on a peanut butter jar like a glass ketchup bottle for hours* Come on Wife: *giving me one last tearful look as she steps out the door forever*