She said we needed to save money by not going out as much, so I saved 50% by leaving her at home.

She wanted to be treated like a princess, but did nothing to deserve that kind of attention. Next!

Don’t forget to text your mom Sunday for Mother’s Day. Be sure you include lots of emoji’s. Moms like emojis.

If you’re going to see your mom Sunday for Mother’s Day, don’t forget to stop at 7-11 to buy her a rose.

To the woman who never gave me a chance, you missed out.

I didn’t stop dating her because she was crazy, I stopped dating her because she was broken.

If you’re going to get your mom flowers for Mother’s Day’s, get them in a vase. Don’t be cheap, it’s your mom!

Know any nice girls you could introduce me to? Oh, yeah, it’s X (Twitter). Of course you don’t.

Like bad boys? Well, I’m pretty sure I could take any guy in this Bath & Body Works. Sup.

Life is short. Kiss the girl.

I knew she wasn’t for me when I kissed her because she tasted like trouble.

I don’t snore or hog the covers in case you’re looking for someone who’s good in bed.

I just got friend-zoned. Again.

If you want a husband material man, be a wife material woman.

'to smithereens' has to be one of the worst ways to get blown. #NotSorry

Use this as a reminder to take your wife out to dinner, on a cruise, or to a concert, before her CEO does.

Bad choices make great choices.

That moment when you meet up with someone you’ve been talking with online, and think, did she leave her filter at home?

Instead of dating websites, go to Facebook Marketplace. There you can search for wedding dresses for sale by recently divorced women, then filter by size.