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A steady hand aggressively creeping down your lower back.

I hate people who are different. But if you don't, that's okay. It takes all kinds in this big beautiful world ♥️.

They're not all winners. [My next 50 jokes are all winners, making a fool of me, discrediting me permanently.]

Sridhar Ramesh "sweet! no line for the cobwebs"

I hate that "When did you stop beating your wife?" trick question. It makes the fallacious presumption that I stopped.

CNN ends its interview of Zohran Mamdani immediately transitioning to its next segment on Jeff Bezos' $50 million wedding in Venice (lol). "Next we take you to Venice, where capitalism rules with Jeff Bezos' $50 million wedding."

I'm just kidding. Those are not actually the choices I would make during the first 40 years of my life. Ok, let's roll it back and I'll live it for real this time.

UNIVERSAL RECIPE Each possible ingredient: To taste.

Ruining the comments/replies section of twitter is the biggest loss on this stupid app. Reading good relevant replies and funny riffs and or helpful comments were the best part of this place

Sridhar Ramesh I’m out of some ingredients. What can I substitute?

one year ago today, I was on the craziest flight of all time

It’s so infuriating that teen smoking rates were at an all time low and we were on track to basically eradicate smoking in teens like it was flat out uncool to smoke and then They came out with nicotine flash drives that lit up and tasted like cotton candy. And have lead in them.

Wow. The bubbles for the candidates who got even less votes must be tiny.

Eh, this recipe isn't my favorite. Too much salt.

Eh, this recipe isn't my favorite. Needs more cinnamon.

Perfectionism has ruined my life. It has led all my competitors and enemies to become perfect, leaving me in the fucking dust.