My favorite Tina Turner song is the one that goes: “What’s Love, Dr Do... Dr Dolittle?”

I haven’t farted since Dukakis was president! #AlternateHistoryFartJokes

families who make fun of the dad < families who make fun of the mom

Normally I’d trust the instincts of Jay Leno and Liam Neeson but I have serious doubts about their new flooring product “Leno-Liam Linoleum.” (But they’re close friends of mine so I gotta support them)

I’m on a grapefruit diet. I GRAPE FRUIT and then I eat it.

Steve King has passed one bill (renaming a post office) in EIGHT terms in office. In EIGHT days we have a chance to nominate the candidate who can defeat him in November! #VOTE @Scholten4Iowa !

So difficult picking out what skull ring I want to wear... what the hell? I’ll put on all 12.

.Donald J. Trump just tweeted that he loved me in “I love you beth cooper” then deleted it 🙁

Getting an email telling me I’ve successfully unsubscribed = getting a coffee after a breakup

Batman-man x.com/mattwhitlockpm…

jesus. white baby boomer men like trump are the planet’s biggest fucking crybabies. made only more intolerable by their delusion that they’re somehow tough & strong. “nobody called me!” what a thin-skinned loser. x.com/realdonaldtrum…

someday comedy will just be changing colors and alternating tones and I cannot fucking wait.

The color of gray changes to cherry while a high-pitched tone goes low. (I’m laughing already!)

But today isn’t April 12th?!!! x.com/nextontcm/stat…

In accordance with his wishes, the funeral will be private. x.com/nytimes/status…

I’ll never forget when Gregory Hines died, our local anchorman reported the news on-air and said “Hines... was 57” then tried to hide a smile.

The worst grade I got in college was for a Poetry Writing class. And I’m not gonna lie, folks, my poems SUCKED.

an old timey thing I like is when someone famous gets interviewed by a mob of reporters and all the person’s answers are quips and the reporters all laugh at them together.

Once on a college campus tour a boy in our group asked the guide if there were any “nearby swing dance clubs” and just as he hoped, everyone thought he was VERY COOL!

My daughter is only 3 months old but she just asked me “Daddy, why must man wage war?” I wish our world leaders asked the same question!