Contrary to popular opinion, I AM a little kid anymore

You know a man wrote the screenplay when you see a woman who doesn’t know she’s pregnant throw up in a trash can

I want to get caught on surveillance camera dragging a body bag into a marsh but when the cops go looking for it, it’s just filled with presents and snacks for them

Rich Girl and Common People are the same song

So like, everybody is British?

I don’t know who needs to hear this but “frustrating” has an r in it

It’s really fucking annoying that I have to yawn whenever I see someone yawn

Wouldn’t it be funny if you just died and all that stuff you have to do never got done

I don’t know who needs to hear this but the Apple News’ paywall for Newsweek is a scam

The term “cool beans” comes from when you eat too hot beans and they burn your mouth and that’s not good but then the beans cool down and then that’s good. Cool beans=good.

If someone runs the dishwasher without yelling, “I’m gonna run this!” They are probably a serial killer.

Men should be illegal

Turns out trying to get pregnant is almost entirely about peeing

There’s no worse surprise than a can of still water

Everyone is so sleepy. But not me. Uh uh. I’ve very awake and powerful. I’m just closing my eyes cause it makes me strong.

Good manners will never not be hot

If sports were a e s t h e t i c I’d consider watching them

Real talk. DJs aren’t actually doing anything when they spin the nobs and stuff, right? That’s just a little dance they do?