Heard in my house: "You don't see too many squirrels in a bikini...*

Heard in my house : "There's a lion in my dishwasher"

Heard in my house " I never thought I would own an inflatable polar bear, but there it is"

Heard in my house: "Mom, smell the snake's head!"

Heard in my house : There's no crying in Hot Wheels....

Heard in my house : "Get that pony out of your buttcrack!"

Heard in my house: "Calm down, close your eyes, and read your book." Huh?

Me: Pull your pants up 5yr old: But Why? Me: Cause no one wants to see your buttcrack 5yr old: I was pretending to be you, Dad....

Heard in my house: "Get your feet out of the toilet!"

Heard at my house: 5 y.o.-" Dad, money is my life"

Heard at my house: No making penises out of play-doh

Heard at my house: 5year old: "My Barbie house, My rules." Where do they get this stuff???

Heard at my house: Me to five year old- How did you scratch your back? 5y.o.- it was a bear Me- a bear scratched your back? 5y.o.- yes. A bear. Me- are you sure it was a bear? 5 y.o.- yes. A bear. I didn't see it though. So maybe not. But it was a bear.

Heard at my house: 5 y.o.- Dad I want to be a farmer. Me- That's great you can definitely do that when you grow up, but it is a lot of work and responsibility 5 y.o.- Dad? Me- Yes son? 5 y.o.- I don't want to be a farmer.

Heard at my house: Six year old: <farts> "Ahh that's the stuff...."

Why do kids always have to take a dump in the middle of dinner?

Heard at my house: "That's not poop, it's a blueberry"

Heard at my House: "No, the tooth fairy does not give out credit cards."

Heard at my house: " Don't step on the gravy!"

7 year old drawing at table I ask what the drawing is He said an airplane. I said "cool!" "An airplane, with a butt!" I have no response.