My wife thinks I am obsessed with male Arabic names. As if! #LunchPun

I didn't like my new shower at first, but now I do. It's a Grohe. #LunchPun

Somebody has taken my German Christmas bread! It was stollen. #LunchPun

There was a rumour that Queen Elizabeth II's only daughter takes speed whilst creating amusing social media posts about Greek cheese! Anne's feta memes. #LunchPun

When I tried to buy the last small wooden basket from a garden centre in Welshpool, a man tried to wrestle it from me! That was a real Powys trug hell. #LunchPun

- Just climbed a mountain. The weather was treacherous! - Snowed on? - No, Ben Nevis. #LunchPun

I need to find someone to go with, to the dyslexic support group meeting in the French capital... ...because members must attend in Pairs. #LunchPun

My cousin, a famous singer, passed away recently. We hired a cover act to sing his songs at the wake, but he kept having seizures. Nonetheless, it was a fitting tribute. #LunchPun

My boss is quitting her job because her alopecia is causing bad headaches... and it looks like I will get promoted as result! Hair loss equals migraine. #LunchPun

When I was a kid, I was told that missing out the first 11 letters of the alphabet was a terrible sin and I would be going straight to L. #LunchPun

Am I the one responsible for making a hot drink from a fish's respiratory organs AND electrocuting a donkey? Gill tea, ass charged. #LunchPun

Got sacked from my new job when I refused to use a biro and would only use a pencil to write. That's the last time I join a company's pen shun scheme. #LunchPun

- Many years ago I would use social media to watch videos about the speed of rodents. - Mice pace? - No, YouTube. #LunchPun

I have video footage of my neighbour criticising the head wear of a Sikh gentleman. ⚠️WARNING: Contains dis turban scenes. #LunchPun

When I tried to steal the 3rd page of a toad calendar from a shop, I was frogmarched out. #LunchPun

If you're confused as to how some Punjabis make ghee for cooking... Sikh clarification. #LunchPun

- I got my maths GCSE result on this day 30 years ago, it rained like crazy. - Grey day? - No I got a B. #LunchPun

- The breakfast cereal portions at the hotel weren't very generous. - Measly? - No weetabix! #LunchPun

Despite laying traps, mice keep hiding under the sacks of manure in the stables. They are under turd. #LunchPun

My house was burgled by someone disguised as a political journalist recently, and my dog urinated on them as they tried to get away! Robber pissed on? No, Laura Kuenssberg! #LunchPun