I’d put my fridge’s condiments up against the greatest everyman’s fridge in a landlocked state.

If you never felt the thrill of burning a CD, you ain’t my people.

On day one, when I’m elected as your Lieutenant Governor this would be outlawed. No more tournament admission fees for parents who have already taken out a second mortgage so their kid can play “select” ball.

Navigating "corporate speak" isn't easy. Here's a helpful guide I put together: "Let me check with my team" = No "Possibly" = No "On my roadmap" = Not happening "This will be done in Q4" = This will be done in Q2 next year "Disagree and commit" = I hate you "Per my last

Halloween hit different this year. #HappyHalloween #trickortreat

Just got pulled over by the police. I said, "Good evening officer. May I ask why you stopped me?" He said, "Well, I noticed you were a middle aged white guy driving a Tesla and wearing a Patagonia vest. Just wondering if you've heard any information about what happened with

Feels like this guy has never had a real job.

I just blew up, blew UP thanksgiving with this statement. “I like Kelce as a rebound for her, but just don’t see it long term” One niece is crying. Multiple “fuck you Scotty” chaos. Nobody’s talking and it’s been an hour.

Et tu, Santa? #Christmas2023 #inflation #MoneyMakingOpportunity

Asking for a sick day feels so infantalizing, composing a professional email to be like “I frew up”

The international sign for “It’s that weird purgatory week between Christmas and NYE and I ain’t doin’ shit.”

Liking every #Mizzou social media post today

Love his work as the Ohio State coach. #CottonBowl

Sup, #Mizzou #CottonBowl

Ms Rachel is basically catnip for babies. Shoutout to you, Rach. You the real one when little dude is fussy and needs a 3 minute fix to get right.

Pregaming on NYE sure has changed #NYE2023 #NewYear2024

Protein powder manufacturers and Whole Foods: January, 2024

Biggest banger on the interwebs isn’t a top 5 artist, DJ, or AI. It’s a baby sensory video and it’s a bop with a drop.

Anyone else do that thing with the leaf blower where they use the tip of the tube to scratch stubborn grass clumps off their driveway after a weekend mow? Always feel stupid doing it but it might be one of those things that you have to check off the dad list.