Stood up too fast and my check engine light came on.

Forensic team painstakingly reenacting last night: "Sir, we're at a loss." Me: "My keys have to be around here somewhere."

I'm a bad day away from hanging up bead curtains in every doorway of my house.

It's wild people can recognize a celebrity but not poison ivy.

It's just the lighting, I swear.

It's been a while since I met someone I thought could beat me in a dance battle.

The presidential debate would be way cooler if it was a rap battle.

I have really wanted to draw a Stallone Judge Dredd. Finally put something on paper.

If Kid Rock sees his shadow tomorrow, we’ll have six more weeks of Daytona 500

Don't forget to change those bandages on your fingers today.

Said something so stupid I tried to snatch it back out of the air.

Don't ovary act.

Condition: used/like new

Ew, you need the sound of a t.v. to sleep? *turns box fan on to helicopter velocity*

Being 'good at people' and 'being good with people' are two vastly different things.

I sound like a garage door opening when I crawl out of bed.

I wasn't born naturally. Someone said "socially awkward" three times in a mirror and *poof* there I was.

I'm really good at not being good at stuff.

Wait... so, in Texas and Washington you can call the cops before you get into a fist fight and they'll be the ref?

One thing about me: There are four things about me.