The only “hard to get” I’m going after is the M&M that slid into the crack by the seat cushion of my recliner

Some people measure success by the number of likes, others by the number of retweets. I measure success by the number of new accounts I've never interacted with that have me blocked.

when your stomach is really mad at you and you’re not sure which one of your 13 unhealthy lifestyle choices is causing it

meisha ۶ৎ I'm like 90% sure my bidet shooting water up my ass deeper than dick can reach cause my issues today, but I've never felt so clean and so uncomfy at the same time. 8/10 would try again on the weekend only

meisha ۶ৎ Am I dehydrated from never drinking water, hungry from living on snacks, tired for sleeping three hours, or is it the 18+ hours screentime

When you’re stuck in a car with someone who’s playing tunes you hate…that’s trap music

Stop just lying there staring blankly at the ceiling. You know exactly where it all went wrong.

That awkward moment when you're leaving to get away from someone and they say "I'll tag along."

God my friends all look so old. Not me though

Your self-loathing is completely unnecessary. We got you covered.

I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear.

Friday, the band packed away their instruments as he lingered near the curtain, watching me with quiet intent. Something tender hovered between us, delicate as a rising note.

Somalis Accidentally Reveal Their IQ LIVE On Air | Instant Regret youtube.com/shorts/cTL_yuj… via YouTube The secondhand embarrassment I feel here is so strong.

I have to shovel snow again I hope I have a heart attack and drop dead in the street

Rubbing my hands together while I await the fire sale on celebrity mansions built on stolen land that is sure to come after that inspired Billie Elish speech.

Why do grown men want to have sex with children? It's beyond comprehension The death penalty is the only way to deal with it

after i eat about 100 crackers then i have dinner

This is who is calling you a Nazi online.

Val Hilarious 😂 no lady , check out who sold you into slavery. Look who died to end it in this country.