If you live in Brooklyn do not walk under my window. I installed an AC last night and I did a very bad job. Like good luck for real.

I know some people over at Succession, and apparently the series finale will conclude with Tony Soprano (CGI) walking into frame and saying, "And I thought MY family was nuts!"

Kendall blows raspberries, sighs

Thinking about washing my dishes today, which means I will wash my dishes in five days.

I can't even eat a whole box of thin mints without getting diarrhea anymore. What is the world coming to

As I watched Kevin Love rebound and hit 3s under pressure last night, I couldn't help but wonder if a veteran player like him might have helped the Cavs

Here I am doing regular stand up comedy:

I'm in an uber and the driver is playing Christian music so I'm doing a lot of big farts

Probably done with bodega sandwiches after this current bout of big time diarrhea!

Sorry I farted so bad and now the skies of New York are filled with my farts

The skies filled with fire and ash have temporarily distracted me from my usual routine of having diarrhea

Doctor says I got the plantar fascists

I'm gonna go outside today and inhale a lot

I'd say there's about 40% chance I die from choking on bread

I've decided violin is the most impressive thing to me

the main reason I go outside is to buy toilet paper (for my butt)

I got a good idea. It's a movie that takes place in the 80s and the soundtrack is lots of 80s music.

Excited to begin a new chapter in my life as I have unsubscribed from the Container Store email list

I just found out Vermont is landlocked. I thought they had lighthouses and stuff

I'm tweeting again and this time I'm gonna do a really good job