When all-purpose cleaner didn't remove eye shadow smudged on the counter, I used tears and sweat, which worked perfectly.

No need to say who you're voting for in November. It's easy to tell by your level of crazy.

There's a universal hatred for ISIS and the middle-aged woman who squeals too much when swimming in a lake or ocean.

Hey, BucciOT.Com, Will Reeve and Travis Roy say "hey". (Actually, I'm just guessing but were u here, they'd say it.)

Would it really be so terrible if all grocery stores were organized exactly the same?

Feeling really guilty about the bacon I had for breakfast.

Got a dentist appointment today. Less concerned about them finding cavities than seeing my nose hair.

Using AF is annoying as fuck. Please stop.

And somewhere in L.A., a beautiful moron googles how to become a "state-sponsored actor".

Why does it seem like a winning football team has fewer injured players than a losing team?

Trump's the kind of guy who always types "asses" when he means "assess", then acts like it was intentional when he's corrected.

To the #cubs fan who sold their ticket to the Marlins_Man, you kinda suck.

You can't complain if you don't vote, which is why I vote on everything. x.com/natesilver538/…

I can’t hear the voices inside my head because a couple middle-aged women nearby are "chatting".

Two separate people asked me what time it was within a half hour of each other. I'm sure one or both plan to use me as an alibi.

In a "game of inches", you have to measure with the chains. Whether in football or porn #MICHvsOSU

"Almost" breaking news from #wcsh out of Portland, ME. #almost

Aw, honey, maybe you wouldn't have those cottage cheese thighs if you brought something other than Cheetos and potato chips to the beach.

Does a maggot see a piece of rice and wonder for a second if it's one of his buddies?

I have a new show on netflix⁷ and I'm tweeting the text exchange that started it all.