I sadly feel the need to clarify something: I am not the golfer so many of you think me to be. So... stop following me. It's getting weird.

Listen! I'm not the fucking golfer! Stop following me.

Guys, please take the time to look at my profile. I AM NOT A GOLFER.

Well, they're following me. Thank you @jnorthpicksicks. Maybe I'll just play this angle, see what shenanigans I can stir up.

I want to thank you for your kind words. After killing that hooker with a 9-iron back in Toledo I knew golf would be my true passion.

Truth is BK-LOSO I'm not Forever Alone now. Now I've got the attention of rabid golf fans. But I'll go back to FA, just for you.

Things to do tomorrow: 1. Pick up groceries. 2. Fix the A/C. 3. Pick up the putter I used to WIN the PGA and smite the enemies of Odin.

Afternoon, you god-less golfing fans. Looks like a good day for swinging my meat putter in the faces of beautiful women. Hail Satan.

I am a wandering samurai traversing the Underworld. I hear there is a demon wearing my name. His heart will taste my steel...

Fun fact: hookers have feelings, too. They can also scream when they want to. Looks like I can't EVER go back to Shoney's...

Did you know that human tears can fully lubricate almost ANY masturbatory act? I do now. Something about 'Baggar Vance" gets me going...

My PGA trophy is really heavy. During a Delorian-caliber coke binge, I threw it out my hotel window. My condolences to the deceased...

Today's tweet brought to you by the letter "schadenfreude". Apparently you're not supposed to say that word when you're finished... heh...

Fun Fact: Banging golf roadies is not very different than playing Marco Polo against Helen Keller. Funny to watch, but funnier to play.

Golf isn't the only sport I play: I'm also an amateur of Russian Roulette. For practice, I watch the HILARIOUS buddy movie DEER HUNTER.

@SlamminSSammy I am VERY cute, thank you.

My local newspaper finally caught on to how I'm not the pro golfer. Did a quick phone interview. Here's hoping he'll buy the twitter handle