There was no person named Jeffrey Epstein. It was Jeffrey Berenstain

Too many words in these manifestos. why not just a simple "Cause I hate soccer"

My high school notebook was way worse

I need to know what political party that shooter was in. Once we establish this, THEN we can move on to caring or ignoring the story.

Don't make me defend this woke haircut lady. It's the dads fault. No kid or woman deserves to be given a caught baseball. When I was 9 at Comiskey Park, I dove over seats to beat some fat douchebag to the ball and he tried to take my ball, too. I snatched it and ran.

And the trans shooter passes the ball to the Epstein survivors. The survivors dish it out to the Venezuelan drug boat bombing and a shot and a miss by the subway stabber.

The violence has to stop. But if it happens, record it in Landscape, not Portrait.

Make sure you put a big watermark over the closeup video so people can like and subscribe to your channel.

I'm not paranoid, I'm just saying I'm walking around tomorrow with a comedically big bulletproof Andy Kaufman style neck brace from now on

The cops carrying an old bald man with glasses with his pants around his ankles is not something we should be joking about

All Points Bulletin. Be on the lookout for a white guy in Utah. Wears jeans, a baseball hat, knows John Stockton is the NBAs all time leader in assists

Have we found out the political party of the shooter yet? Here's the protocol. If it's your party, he was mentally ill, then forget about it in a few days . If it's the other party, he was radicalized by political extremists.

The distractions are getting pretty inventive. JFK could come out as an old man. Giant scar on his head. "I have the Epstein files right h..." Boom! [Head explodes]

Get all the canceled people to come out in support of Kimmel. Roseanne should be out there with a sign ala Norm MacDonald, "You'd have to have Down Syndrome to want to fire Kimmel" Kramer comes out in a durag doing the power walk ala Vince McMahon.

I was at the Jewel on Ashland Ave. and Obama's white boyfriend told me it's not ok to joke about Charlie Kirk. A real deep voice behind me said "and Big Mike says so, too" #scared #Halloween

There's nothing wrong with doing the Riyadh comedy festival. They don't require submission fees and won't have you perform in a half empty bar where the owner won't turn off the college football game in some awful Godforsaken state for zero cash like the Americans ones.

This one's for Charlie 🙏

Is it cake? Or is it the next Bansky?